Shiloh Rose Archive

These past few months I felt a stirring, I didn’t know what was about to go down. I started thinking about a lot of repressed feelings. I started to let them out. WOAH, did it ugly! I started confronting those feelings. I started to tell some of my trauma secrets.

My parents both were sexually abused as children and they lived hard lives because of it. They hurt and wounded me and my siblings deeply. The cycle must be broken. My abuse was mostly emotional and some physical. They both tried to escape the pain. We often become what we are running from. I saw it in me. I saw it in my own parenting. That’s why I knew I had to do something.

I started talking and it felt terrifying, but freeing at the same time. I didn’t feel the weight of it anymore. I had spoken out loud what I hadn’t dared to before. Healing from trauma is messy. It’s different for everyone. I burned bridges because when I started talking fear came to silence me.

I used to try and fix my parents. I would peach to them. I bought my dad a stack of parenting books many years ago. I deeply desired normal parents. Safe parents. The kind you see on tv shows like Seventh Heaven. (Is my age showing? 😂) I spent a lot of years hoping and as the Bible says: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12 NIV).

The years of disappointment turned into bitterness and anger. I was so sad that they hadn’t become who I thought they should be, and I was breaking my own heart. I had to let go of the expectations. I had to grieve the parents and life I never got. Healing is scary but worth it. I had to gain perspective. The pain shaped me, but it also taught me! Now I teach others!

When I told about a particular traumatizing story on social media, I called my daddy a monster. The flashback was so intense a scream came out from the depths of my body. I had never processed any of it. I stored it away and tried to lock the door! The more things I hid in that closet, it began to overflow into my relationships. I was blinded by it. I felt guilty. My daddy whom I adored was also someone I hated.

How can this be? Abuse does things to you but we can heal and grow. I hurt my dad and family by sharing those traumatic experiences. It was embarrassing to them and to me. But I felt that I had to share it. I shouldn’t have called my daddy a monster. However I was just a little kid and to me that’s what he seemed like.

It’s funny how everyone has different versions of the same person. We all experience people from a place of who they are to us in particular. You may experience a different version of me than someone else. Our worldview is shaped by our experiences. My daddy to many is a kind, loving, funny and really nice guy. That’s what makes abuse hard to speak about.

Your encounters with a person may be completely different than what others know them to be. Abuse thrives in silence. It takes courage to speak up and advocate for yourself.

As I am still on this journey of healing, I am learning to forgive. It’s harder than I thought. Many times I fooled myself in thinking I had forgiven. I could be around my parents and show them kindness, respect and love. Yet deep down the silence I held kept me bound to the past. When I began to sit in my grief it started to move.

I won’t apologize for speaking out. I will apologize for trying to fix my parents. I am sorry for judging them harshly. I am sorry that I held bitterness towards them. Daddy may not have been what a Father should be but I know he tried. He needs to do what I am doing, confront his demons and grieve his innocence.

I haven’t been able to talk to my daddy in months. I have tried to reach out but no response. I know he is angry with me. I hope we can learn to love, heal and forgive. I cannot erase my memories but I know we can create new ones! My Father, is the God. He is the one I turn to. He found me broken and with a gaping Father wound.

I ran from feelings. I ran from healing. I felt that if I let go of control I would break. I ran from people. God has created a place for me to stop, and listen. I didn’t like what he said often! He asked me to heal, not for me to FIX anyone else. He asked for me to forgive, even if I never received the same from those that have hurt me. Healing is messy.

Daddy I love you. I am sorry. I am not your judge, counselor or God. May you be at peace in your heart. I hope to talk to you sooner than later.

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