Was it a calling card from heaven or mere coincidence?
Yesterday was a good day, but yet again there was a tense conversation with my husband. My heart heavy with heart break and unfulfilled dreams.
However each day I will myself to find joy in something! I defiantly listed things I was grateful for, as I walked frustratedly through the rose garden. I drove there on a whim because I was full of anger, I so badly want this season over with! And yet, God is growing me up! He’s teaching me to cool my jets, slow down, and think clearly.
“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,”
Ephesians 4:26 ESV
As I stormed to my car, I didn’t want to pray. I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me over and over. I relented and prayed. I vented a bit to God, and then I heard a small voice say in my heart: “Go to the rose garden.” I definitely wasn’t planning on going there. I decided to obey because I knew nature would help. Nature has been my refuge in this hard place. No one can understand in depth the way I feel but God alone.
The rose garden was busy and that irritated me more. I don’t have a poker face so I’m sure I looked ticked off. I tried my best to avoid people on the paths through the hundreds of roses. When I am hurting or angry I isolate. It’s a coping mechanism from childhood trauma. I learned very early that I had to protect and take care of numero uno!
Again God is breaking that habit too. I’m talking to people more and more. I’m being vulnerable a lot and it’s exhausting. I am proud of who I am becoming though. I feel the changes throughout my entire being. My mind being renewed daily. In fact YOU CAN teach an old dog new tricks! It won’t be easy though!
After I rambled off my mental list of things I’m grateful for I felt calmer. The more I moved my legs I felt better. I intentionally walked slower than usual. Demanding that my mind and body come into submission. Anger has a way of fueling your physical body. I want so badly to be justified in my plight! My mind screams, “I have been wronged!” Meanwhile my heart burns with intensity of the emotion.
When the storm within began to pass, I felt better. I had rode the waves and not drowned! Lately I have longed to see an old friend. I’m not even sure why exactly, but I told myself it’s because she knew me in my purest form. She bought me my typewriter and she made me feel safe. I was ten years old when I met Diane. I didn’t even know her last name, but after some Googling I found her.
Unfortunately I already knew she had passed away. I never got to say goodbye. She never got to see me become a woman. She was my granny’s neighbor, but I felt a bit guilty. So lately I’ve asked God to let me see her or something. I want a sign from only her! I don’t even know why, I really don’t believe in that. This season has made me question a lot of things and challenged me a lot.
As I walked around I said this beautiful garden would be a place she would have loved. I whispered my prayers for Diane in my heart. This prayer feels too foolish to say aloud. It was pretty hot yesterday so after walking a while, I found a bench. A family walks up to me and asks if I can take their picture. I do it politely and I decide to get away from them quickly. The entire time I’m willing myself not to cry.
I think to myself I cannot cry here, it’s a public place. However my eyes filled many times throughout the visit. Thank God for sunglasses! I finally found a bench in the back area that’s under some shade trees. I sit down relieved and just look at the beauty around me. The smell of roses all around. Many people associate angels with roses. Roses are said to have high vibrations.
I sit watching birds and the trees sway in the warm breeze. Then as I quickly brushed away tears, I happen to glimpse something shiny under the bench. I realized it’s a dime, sitting heads up. It wasn’t the sign I wanted by far. However when I picked it up and examined it, the year on the coin shocked me! This coin was shiny, clean and looked new and yet the year was 1998! How would a coin from twenty-seven years ago look brand new?
I met Diane in 1998! That was the summer I spent many afternoons with her. I was so happy when I found her picture! I read her obituary and learned new things about my sweet friend. The photo was a younger one of her, but undeniably it was her! I saved it to my phone. I don’t know if I looked at her photo before I found the dime or after.
I want someone to give me guidance and immediate answers to what’s my next move. Im in a limbo of sorts, a ballroom dance of the unknown and I’m unskilled in this dance! My heart and mind torn with love and war! No one wins either way. Which way to turn? In the depth of my being, I know all this is not unbeknownst to God. Why should I worry, when I serve a God who is beyond time and space? Where are you Diane?
It’s all so foolish and I apologized to God for it. He knows my feelings, I can hide them from many but not him. I know I’m divinely protected, love immeasurably but my heart still hurts. Thank you Lord for dimes from heaven! This too shall pass!
“Though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face.”
Job 13:15 ESV
Happy Reading & God Bless! ShilohRose77©️
Shiloh Rose Archive 
Leave a comment