I have been through some unimaginable trauma and abuse. It went on for so long that it caused my worldview to be shaped by it. I learned how to medicate, mask and suppress my pain. It was a deep set rage. It would rear its ugly head whenever I felt the walls closing in. I heard once that “Anger is just love with nowhere to go.”
If someone got too close, I pushed back. The many times I let my guard down and thought I was safe, often something would happen. The person would hurt me in some form whether intentionally or unintentionally. This would trigger my guard and defenses up. I would react in anger or I would shut down. I think many times it was such a quick reaction I didn’t even notice it. Or at times I would tally up the offenses in my heart. Yesterday I heard in my heart, “You are acting like a skittish dog.”
We had an abused dog once, he was so scared. He didn’t want to be touched or played with. He would keep his distance. I remember trying to throw a ball at him and it accidentally hit him and that was it! He went and hid from me. He looked wounded and hurt! I’m thinking, but I didn’t mean to hit you! I wished I could tell him, but like me he wouldn’t have listened. He had decided the world was unsafe. He decided love was too risky.
Through this season of my life God has allowed everything around me to become silent. The silence so loud it made me listen to things I didn’t want to hear. I had become like the people that hurt me. I was closed off from truly letting my true self be seen. I am very tender hearted by nature but anger has a way of taking that and making it a weakness. I started to pretend to not care.
For many years I couldn’t talk about the abuse I went through. I was so angry that I stuffed it deep down. I hope that I would never have to sit with it. Until the little girl inside demanded to be heard. She needed healing that she never found. I started to listen, to feel and to allow it in. I began to grieve the pain. I watched as the flashbacks would come, some terrifying.
God does some of his best work in the dark seasons of life. I felt punished, but I realized it has been necessary. Today in prayer something shifted! I felt it throughout my entire being. The feelings so intense it shook me to my core. I never experienced anything like that, but instead of running I welcomed it in.
Afterwards I was so exhausted I could hardly make it to my bed. I tried to eat and immediately became ill. I felt a sense of victory although my body felt death. I knew I had made a breakthrough. I felt an odd peace. It’s really hard for me to do these posts. However the more I open up my world, the bigger it becomes.
Healing is nothing like I thought it would be. I didn’t realize what it would cost. However, yesterday I read the story of the stoning of Stephen. A man in the Bible, who was full of God’s spirit and spoke the truth! He told people what they didn’t want to hear. They were so angry that they gnashed their teeth at him and yelled insults. Then they took him and stoned him to death. His dying words were words of forgiveness!
“And as they were stoning Stephen, he called out, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” And falling to his knees he cried out with a loud voice, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” And when he had said this, he fell asleep.”
Acts 7:59-60 ESV
Now when I read this my first response was anger! I thought about all the injustices in my life and the lives of those I love! It struck a nerve in me. How could he be the one to die? He was the one doing the right thing! He deserves to die a horrific death after he obeyed God’s Will? I admit I don’t think I could have done it! Then it hit me, this is what God wants me to understand!
The justice that we seek may never come on this side of eternity! However hear me out, that does not mean that the person or persons got away with the actions committed! I have been in this space lately. I want justice I beg for it, cry for it and the longer I have the more hurt I became. I asked God why so many times. The simple answer is that God wants to allow it to change us ultimately!
Now if you have ever been hurt or wronged maybe you feel like me! Maybe you knew what happened was unfair and you would like to see them get their share! Friend, I can tell you for certain God wants you to let it go. He wants you to take the high road and not let the darkness of others steal your light. We illuminate what is dark in them not by punishments or get back. We shine a light on their darkness by remaining kind, tender, loving and true to ourselves!
I know, I know it all sounds so cliche! It sounds like a cruel joke! You mean I am the one that needs to change? I asked God the same thing with a dramatic groan and eye roll with it! You really mean this I am to love others like I love myself? How is this possible? Through the Spirit of the living God! Before Stephen the martyr died, he was operating in the Spirit. He was doing God’s Will despite the hate he received.
Before he said his final words, he saw a vision of the heavens opening up. The moment of death and pain awaited him. Yet before he saw death, he saw his next destination. He saw where he was headed! If we can get a little bit of perspective on our journey we can see that where we are headed is more important. The next step requires us to let go of all the things holding us down.
“Now when they heard these things they were enraged, and they ground their teeth at him. But he, full of the Holy Spirit, gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. And he said, “Behold, I see the heavens opened, and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.””
Acts 7:54-56 ESV
Vengeance belongs to the rightful judge. God promises to pay each of us accordingly to our sins. For those who accept the blood of Jesus as payment, will not bear their sins. They will be pardoned. What a horrible day for those who chose not to take part in this radical forgiveness! I cannot rightly assess anyone because my worldview has been altered. That’s why God said do not judge.
So today, as I am recovering from the prayer of a lifetime. I realize that it’s my job to release the hostages. I must look ahead at what’s more important. I hope you will join me in forgiving and letting go any weights you may have been carrying. It’s too heavy, and slowing you down to get to your next destination.
I know somebody prayed for me! I know someone loved me when I was hard to love. And I know Jesus paid it all for me to be free. I choose his way. I surrender. I chose to put away bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness. Won’t you join me in singing the song of freedom?
““Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation.””
Isaiah 12:2 ESV
Happy Reading & God bless!
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