The weeks seem to be flying by, and I find myself checking the date TWICE! The journey to becoming the woman I want to be is definitely on the road less traveled! I prayed and prayed for direction and through surrender to God’s will I knew what I had to do. It has been six weeks since I knew God confirmed that he wanted me to move back to my home state. At first, I was in a way relieved because I had not been back home since Christmas and that’s been the longest stretch away in my life! On the other hand, I had found community, friends, and was getting used to it there in Ohio. However, once God gives instructions, he has a way of making you uncomfortable until you obey the instructions. The week before I officially made up my mind that I was moving back I was so emotional, and homesick.
The longing for home so heavy on my heart that I knew part of me had already left. I like to think it was the future me. The woman I am becoming, beckoning me to come and join her on the other side of the unknown. I did not expect the fear that came but it hit me like a ton of bricks! What am I going home to? My house is empty, my whole life packed into my van and I am completely trusting God! The weight of a heavy marriage and heartbreak still raw in my chest. I know I deserve better, and yet there is still a deep-set hope. I know it’s probably foolish but that is what makes it hard to be a follower of Christ. We are full of hope, forgiveness and mercy. It can be quite exhausting! In anger, I still want it all to be over and yet my compassionate heart hopes that he will choose to heal and be a better man.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not making some feeble excuses for his behavior at all! One thing this healing journey has taught me is there is a definite need for boundaries to protect oneself. We can be forgiving, compassionate, and kind but we must guard our hearts. I have learned that I can create firm boundaries and show up for myself. I know what I deserve better, and I will continue to stay rooted in Jesus and allow him to lead. I can pray for those who have hurt me and wish them the best. The Bible makes it clear that we have to learn to discern the motives and intentions of the people we interact with.
Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life (Proverbs 4:23 ESV).
1 John 4:1 instructs believers: “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.”
The enemy of our souls loves when we walk out of God’s plan and purpose for our lives. That is the place that he can get us back in bondage. The Spirit of God bring us freedom. I am proud to say that I am growing so much! I have consistently been in the word of God and prayer for 130 days! I have never been so rooted in the word of God, and I definitely can feel its impact. I have learned to tell God about my plans for each day. I am learning to truly walk with him and what that entails. I continually ask God to lead me, protect me and show me the way. I am excited about my future even though I am afraid at the same time! It’s amazing what God can do with a surrendered heart and life!
However, I must admit that I know there is much work to be done in me still. I keep hearing a phrase in my heart, “Tear it down and rebuild it better.” That is exactly what I am helping the Lord to do. I have to face myself each day and ask myself hard questions. Is this aligned with who I am becoming? Does this honor God? Friends it is a lot of trial and error for sure! I still find myself thinking in old patterns and wanting to handle things in the same old ways. I have to go before God many times with tears in my eyes and ask for his help. My prayer is that he will show himself as my father in a deeper way.
The move back home was stressful as any moving experience. It felt very uncomfortable and I am still struggling with the shock of being back. I left one way and came back another way! I am not the same woman that I was at Christmas. I have been through intense grief, healing and restoration all at once! The work is not done but it has progressed. I notice I do not cry as much as I did before, and I am learning to lean into the fear. I have had to realize that fear is not the absence of faith, but it can hinder our faith. There are some fears that are irrational and for me, some are downright stubborn procrastination!
I frustratedly have asked God why he sent me back home? I thought foolishly that it would be easier, but I realized that its indeed another test! My favorite tv pastor, Charles Stanley, always said “Obey God and leave the consequences up to him.” I have always been in the driver’s seat thinking that I was following, but most of the time I was still clinging to my own way. I am striving like never before to trust the process! I truly desire to see what obedience will lead to if I truly walk the unknown path. I have been praying a lot for external circumstances to change and yet God is saying, you have all you need internally. I can tell you I did not want to hear this! Maturing in Christ has great rewards but it really is an act of faith!
Can I be honest? I totally have been seeking high and low for a miracle. However, God gently has nudged me to understand that the miracle has already been performed on that old rugged cross! On Sunday, the pastor preached about “picking up our sick bed and walk!” This sermon based on a Bible story of a man that was paralyzed for thirty-eight years. He openly complained that he wanted healing yet had no help. He was confined to a bed and had to be carried to the place of healing waters but was unable to actually get in the water. Jesus simply told the man: 8 Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” 9 And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked. (John 5:8-9 ESV). I knew God had yet again told me what to do! Get up, keep going, do not get stuck, don’t quit.
I believe fully in miracles but in this season, I had to learn to lean into what is already inside. To take hold of the freedom that has already been given to me! The mission now is to go and help someone else get up! In prayer one day the Holy Spirit said to me in my heart, “The water is for forgiveness, but our hands are for mission.” I knew like the man in the story, it was a call to action. It was encouragement that my sins have been forgiven, now GO! To live like I have been set free! It’s funny how old mindsets and patterns can keep us chained. Lord, I love you, because you are so patient with me! He desires for all of us to take hold of what has already been done in Jesus’s shed blood. He paid for you sins past, present and future!
Can I encourage you? It’s really that simple, but we have a true enemy who constantly berates us with lies that we have messed up too much, it’s too late, or we are unworthy. He is the father of LIES! Tell him where to GO! If he can make you think less of yourself and others, he will always win against us! That’s why it is so important to stay in God’s word and stay close to the brotherhood of believers! I am not preaching at you; I am just telling you what I have learned on the journey. I am still learning and growing. While I was worrying he was cool, calm and collected! He wasn’t bothered by my lack of understanding.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
That is exactly why we are to trust the unseen God, into the unknown because he knows what he is doing! There is a timing for everything. The fear pushed me into a new mindset, the failures gave me purpose, and the pain forged a new woman. If God is leading you into the wilderness, the fire, or the darkness allow him! He will use every inch of it to create something beautiful in you! I don’t walk like I used to; I walk with a deeper sense of direction that comes beyond me! I have a journey ahead and I at times my steps may be shaky. I choose to pick up my sick bed and walk! He told the man to take it with him! He no longer needed it, but it was a testament to what he had overcome through God! It was a reminder that God still heals and does miracles! Friends whatever you are carrying, you don’t have to carry it alone, but you must do your part!
Happy Reading & God bless! All rights reserved.
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