“Faith does not need to push the river because faith is able to trust that there is a river. The river is flowing. We are in it.”
― Richard Rohr
These past couple of weeks have been agonizingly beautiful. Once I finally decided to set my face on the path forward there was of course opposition. The same old patterns began to resurface. I quickly noticed the trap and did my best to not take the bait! My ex has tried his best to disturb my peace and resolve. My therapist was very proud to see that I am noticing and she told me that I am well on my way! Healing is definitely not linear though. My heart has been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster from ending my marriage earlier this year, to the realization that my heart is open to love again! That one scared me, I mean of course I have thought about it. As everyone keeps telling me lately, “I have a lot of life to live.”
To fall in love again seems exciting because we all know how good it feels to be in love. However, staying in love and making it last takes a lot of effort. One thing I’ve learned is that you must have a partner you are compatible with. We all know opposites attract, but they don’t seem to have what it takes to make a lasting relationship. I have a list of what I am desiring in my next husband. I read over it often, because when you go shopping without a list you end up with random things. God cannot answer prayers that do not have specifics. He desires to be good to us but often we are too causal in our prayer life.
The moment I felt my heart awakening to these possibilities I had no idea how it would hit me so heavily! I have been in an abusive, stifling and stagnant marriage for a long time. I felt about half dead if I am honest. Intimacy, romance, excitement, and passion had long ago died. When your heart has perpetually been let down you learn to build walls. I had closed that part of me off for the most part. When I would desire intimacy and closeness it never seemed quite right, somehow I always left feeling shortchanged. I also felt an immense guilt about these feelings arising. Somehow it felt like a betrayal to God, myself, and even my abusive husband!
I am learning to not suppress my feelings anymore, but to sit with them and let them come and go as they should. I know that I gave all I could in my marriage, I was loyal and faithful. I did what was honorable and I have no reason to feel shame. My compassionate heart makes me feel the guilt and also feel sorry for my ex. However, I know that is just part of healing. When I took the photo above I was watching the sunset over the river. It was such a beautiful night. The water reminds me to go with the flow. I cannot control all the outcomes of this season. I didn’t full realize what I was feeling initially.
One day a couple of weeks ago, I finally admitted to myself and God that I have a crush! It felt like a secret that I had been keeping from my heart. I realize that it has been there for quite some time. How do I know this? I went back and read my journal and I saw that I casually mentioned it. I tried to keep it in a box the best I could. Lately, I am unable to hide from it as it consumes my mind quite often. When I admitted it out loud I felt God’s loving acceptance. He did not shame me. He understands me completely and he saw all that I’ve been through. He knows my heart.
Lately God has been using my story to draw other women to himself. The strange thing is sometimes, I don’t even have to say anything and he sends them directly to me! My prayer group leader connected me with two other women who have survived abuse. We are meeting every couple of weeks to chat, encourage and check in with each other. I get emotional when I think of how God had this planned all along. When I met Katie, I had no idea how our friendship would change my life. We were just serving together as agents of prayer. She has introduced me to a community of believers from all over the world! When we serve others, God always makes sure we get our needs met too!
There are so many moments that I am seeing God’s hand helping me through this season and making it beautiful.
“to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.”
Isaiah 61:3 ESV
All the years I spent trying to guard my heart, protect myself, keep people at a distance, and close the walls securely proved to be fruitless. I realize that when we place our heart in the hands that created it we are much safer. God never meant for us to be closed off from others. He created us for each other. I am learning to be a well of water for others to be refreshed. I know how to create boundaries but I don’t have to isolate myself. Thank you Lord for helping me to heal, grow and help others! The past two Sunday’s at church I know I was at the right place and timing.
The importance of keeping our life open to God’s prompting and leading creates space for him to love on others through us. I was running late the Sunday before last. My son and I couldn’t sit in our usual area, so we slipped into a row in the back and there was a couple that followed in behind us. I noticed the woman next to me cried the whole service. When it was time to greet your neighbor, I knew I had to ask if she was okay. She was so emotional that I just instinctively grabbed her in for a hug. I thank God for using me as his vessel. I pray I never take that for granted! We prayed and she gave me her number and wanted to meet soon.
I told my therapist about the encounter because I saw myself in her haunted eyes. It takes courage to talk to a stranger and accept their kindness. However, sometimes it’s all that is available in moments of our life. Family may not always be around, or we may be far from home. God knows how heavy things can get and when we live obedient to his guidance we step in at the right time for someone. Yesterday I was leaving church and I saw a girl from my class on Wednesday nights. We spoke briefly and she started to get emotional and asked if I would pray for her. I smiled from my heart because I love to care for people. Nothing brings me more joy!
There will always be so many moments we miss because of fear, rejection, or whatever. I try my best to keep my eyes open and my heart receptive to the call of God, to be his hands and feet. I said all this to say that I am so happy that I did not allow what happened to me through my childhood and abusive relationships to cause me to miss having an open heart! My heart is more tender now than it has been in a long time! Jesus has kept his word!
“And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”
Ezekiel 36:26 ESV
The feelings of love, possibilities of new connections, and the hope for a beautiful future belong to me! Even if my crush and I never become anything more, I wont regret feeling alive again! I am happily embracing my new life, even though some days are daunting. Some days wear me out from being so vulnerable but they are so rewarding. If you had told me a year ago I would feel this way I wouldn’t have believed it! Friends that’s what a relationship with Jesus can do for you. It changes your perspective and creates beauty from even the ugliest and darkest moments! I’ve known Jesus for so long but I was so afraid to let go of my relationship, for fear that I wasn’t strong enough! Take the leap, flow into the possibilities, release your grip.
The river so calm and beautiful that night.
Happy Reading & God Bless! All rights reserved.
ShilohRose77©️
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