Shiloh Rose Archive

This past weekend has been a whirlwind of emotions for sure! I had this dream Thursday night, that I was wearing a beautiful, formal gown at a party. I remember looking for other dresses and feeling a calm despite my usual striving. I am a warrior! My nature is to go head first at things and it can usually be a good thing, but often I forget stillness and calm. Friday was a day that I had been dreading, court about divorce. I got up singing despite the heavy feelings. “I’ve got the joy of the Lord, on my side!” I danced and sang to motivate me through the task at hand.

The day was as expected awful. I was so emotional, hurt, and angry. I tried my best to keep fighting and pushing back against the unfairness of it all. I knew I needed to be still, but I couldn’t will myself to do it in that moment. Later that day, my head was pounding, gut clenched, and my eyes pouring tears. I had been planning on going to church that evening and everything in me said “NO!” This church service was to be a celebration of our 21 days of prayer ending! There were to be testimonies, lively and upbeat worship music.

As my head pounded and my heart ached, I laid in my bed for a moment. How can I go and sing of God’s goodness, when I feel as if I have been punched in the stomach? I couldn’t bring myself to even eat a bite so my headache raged on. My Spirit telling me that we must push on through and do what we know is best. Our faith is all we have left in moments like these! I willed myself to shower again to wake me up and try and clear my makeup from my face.

The church service was packed, lively and absolutely beautiful despite my raging headache and pain in my heart. I defiantly sang along with the worship and determined that God would still get the glory! Toward the end, I went up for prayer with a guy and he encouraged my heart that things are going to get so much better. I know deep down that it will get better, but it’s not the outcome I desire and for some reason I cannot let it GO! I keep praying and praying for my husband because despite it all. I love him endlessly!

So many times I have begged God to save him, and change him. Now I beg God to change me, because I know I am not without fault. I am learning that the posture of our heart has a lot to do with the receptivity of our prayers. That night I cried and cried and the headache stayed well into the early morning hours. I woke up and went outside to find maybe a moment of stillness and peace. I began to vent to God again, and I finally just went quiet. I looked down at the ground and just hung my head defeatedly. Then a song arose in my Spirit. “How Excellent Is Thy Name.” I couldn’t even believe it after feeling this way yet again my heart longs to believe in God’s goodness!

Suddenly I look up and I am right at eye level with a hummingbird! I have never been so close to one and he is looking at me very intently. I cannot move or speak as he is suspended in air! It was such a special moment that I knew meant God had heard me. It is believed that hummingbirds are messengers of God. In that moment I needed God so desperately, but it is in the obedience to keep going to him that he meets us! Faith moves God! Some of you are going through a hard thing too and you need to declare God’s faithfulness and goodness over it despite what you see in the circumstances!

“By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised.”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭11‬:‭11‬ ‭ESV‬‬

In the Bible, Sarah was unable to have children and had long since given up on that dream! She was 90 YEARS OLD when the promise came to pass! Is there anything too hard for God?

The signs of God in nature swirled all around me these past few days. He kept speaking to me and building me back up. The greatest place of discouragement in our lives can often be the catalyst for God to do something supernatural. Friends, call me crazy, BUT I BELIEVE GOD CAN HEAL MY HUSBAND! I hold firm to my position but I keep praying and trusting. I’ve seen too many of his miracles to deny his power! Now my husband and I both have free will that is the reality, so I wait.

Yesterday I was a bit anxious because I had given up on my marriage and was making a resolve to move forward no matter what! Yet in my Spirit I felt over and over God say NO, not yet. I have tired everything to move forward door after door slammed in my face. I was so frustrated and angry with God! Why in the world would you ask me to do this? God often asks us to do things that make no sense in the natural, but that is what faith is all about! I saw a podcast pop up on my phone that said, “What happens when we stop chasing?” I decided to listen because I knew God was yet again speaking about my resisting to stillness.

The first thing out of her mouth on the podcast was, “I’ve always had a deep affinity with hummingbirds.” She talked about how she had desired to hold a hummingbird in her hand and capture the moment just like she has seen on social media. The more she tried it seemed nothing happened. It was when she surrendered that finally as she simply held her hand out, the tiny hummingbird landed there on the handheld feeder. These are the key takeaways that I believe the moment with the hummingbird meant:

1. “What happens if I don’t try to improve this moment?’
2. Sometimes we don’t need to look for the magic, but to be still enough to experience it.
3. Learn when to act and when to wait.

I took a long walk on the wooded greenway and always get this feeling when I know I am going to encounter a snake. I hate them so much because they freak me out. I stayed in the middle of the paved path and from a short distance I saw the dreaded reptile! It was a black racer snake there on the path. Normally, I go the opposite direction or I feel seized with fear. However, this time I didn’t feel fear I just paused and waited for the snake to go across the path into the grass. Then I passed on through and I felt at peace. Somehow it felt tied to the same encounter with the hummingbird that morning.

The world around us is loud, messy and full of opinions. To hear God these days we truly have to create time, space, and stillness. I have been trying to write this blog for two days and each time I have been interrupted. Thoughts of all the things to do, my kids asking for food or arguing, my laundry timer going off, and it’s all so much! And yet I just cranked the worship music up a notch because I will honor God with my life and my time! Even if it’s messy and not perfectly polished! I will sing my way through every battle, and I will hang on for dear life! I will breathe and remember that stillness is not lazy, and busyness is not always productive.

My six year old son hears the music and he comes to watch the performers and listen. He knows that in this season we turn to worship to keep us grounded. We have created space for a nightly routine that I read him a Bible story and we pray. I look forward to that moment, mainly because it is a moment of stillness with him. I can snuggle his little body and calm him for the night. I like to think that ABBA is snuggled up there with us and although I am worried about many things he’s calming me too.

“He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭107‬:‭29‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“Be silent, all flesh, before the Lord, for he has roused himself from his holy dwelling.”
‭‭Zechariah‬ ‭2‬:‭13‬ ‭ESV‬‬

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