Shiloh Rose Archive

Yesterday was meant to be a joyous celebration but it felt heavy. Holidays like Easter, are supposed to be time with family and everyone is dressed up in their Sunday’s best. I was feeling tired but I pushed through and got to church. We were a few minutes late, and I felt myself getting frustrated. The church was packed because Easter and Christmas as these are the days that most people go to church, that don’t normally attend. First I took my five year old to class. Then I tried to get my three year old daughter to go to her class, but she had a meltdown. She screamed and cried so I took her into the sanctuary with my teen son and I.

We squeezed in next to a couple just as the first song was ending. I was sore and achy and just feeling sad because this is our first Easter in a new town, new church and we are away from family. Not to mention the separation from my husband and step children weighing heavily on my heart. I kept trying to find joy, sing and worship through my sadness. The service was great and afterwards we spoke to a few people we have met recently. My daughter was still feeling very fussy and I was already not feeling well myself so we left. I really wanted a photo but I knew it was a long shot trying to get the kids to cooperate.

We get to the photo setup and I asked the lady behind me to take the photo. My daughter starts crying again and refuses. I was embarrassed and frustrated. Little did I know the lady took the photo anyway, if I am honest I was annoyed by that. Why would you take a photo that was so terrible? Then it hit me, this was another test. I wanted the picture perfect, while God wanted the reality. He wants my truth, my realness, because suffering produces things that change you!

It was all I could do not to break down in tears as we got into the car. I was angry like why couldn’t the day just have been joyous and smooth? I took the kids home, made them lunch and I went to my room. I really didn’t want to be around anyone, the weather was just as dreary as I felt. I had made God a promise that I would go to meet with him anyway. I did and it wasn’t anything special I prayed, and listened. I felt somewhat better afterwards. I knew I needed to grab something for dinner. I was kind of cruising around trying to decide what to eat. Then I saw a man that for some reason I was drawn to him.

This man was carrying a gigantic, black trash bag on his back. He was looking down only looking up to cross the street. His seemed so sad it was like I could feel his sadness. I drove by although I knew I had to turn around. I thought but what if he’s not actually homeless, rather just having a bad day? I don’t want to embarrass him God, I prayed as I turned back to find him.

I found him just at the entrance of a shopping center I pulled in and pulled up next to him. I called out to him like three times, he didn’t even want to look at me. Finally, he did and I told him “Keep your head up brother, it’s not over yet!” I handed him five bucks and drove away. I don’t even know why I chose those words. It was the only thing I could think to say, I was feeling sort of shy. I saw that he wore a beautiful platinum wedding band. Which was not something you normally see on a homeless person. So I began thinking maybe he’s just having a hard day.

As I drove away I couldn’t stop the tears I was moved to so much compassion for this stranger. I prayed for him, not knowing his story and too scared to ask him. I knew I was to encounter that Middle Eastern man on that corner yesterday. God has a sense of humor for sure, I was feeling like him! I felt sad, unseen, shame, lonely, and all the above. I might have been in my nice car, nice clothes, but I was just as broken. I cannot judge his story for mine is still being written! I’m in a chapter I would rather skip right over!

I too have been carrying some heavy weights, on my back. Things that I really can’t even begin to explain. I felt like he was a mirror image of my own pain but in a physical image. I could see me in his shoes. It was such a strange encounter I brushed it aside and went on. Then it began burning in my heart, I knew I had to share it. As I sat down wanting to articulate the experience I had another special encounter.

This time the encounter was much more personal. I was worshipping the other day downstairs in our office. I was looking at the books on the shelves thinking I need to read more of them. I saw one book in particular jump out at me. It was about grief and grieving. I said that I would read a few pages since this situation I am in feels like death. Death of a life I spent ten years building!

I sat down two days ago and read a few pages. I was pretty bummed by the book honestly. It was sad, and it felt heavy. I decided to try to keep going a little more. I found a quote that I like in the book. “If your writing doesn’t keep you up at night, it will never keep anyone else up either.” Then it talked about the silent grief we carry that we don’t often share with anyone. I got restless and couldn’t take the sadness, so I put it away.

I was so annoyed I even wrote in my journal that I didn’t want grief to have the final say over my story! I was feeling upbeat and I didn’t want to be blogged down by this lady who wrote this book and had it published with a friend, post- humorously. Little did I know she is well known for her books on grief and death. Somehow I was meant to write this post, meet that man, and read her book! I love a good quote, so as I was writing about the messy Easter photo I wanted a quote to go with the picture.

I googled quotes about messiness of life and guess whose name comes up? Elisabeth Kubler-Ross! I didn’t think anything about it at that moment, I just prepared to write the quote down. However on the sight I was on it seemed part of the quote was cut off. So I clicked a link to see the full quote. In that moment her name popped out at me as familiar. I saw her picture at the link and didn’t think much. I decided to go ahead and just leave the quote as I found it. Then I glance over to my left and I see the name on that stupid book!

OH MY GOD, it cannot be at first glance because the book is so old the cover didn’t show clearly her names so I brushed it off. Then something said look again. I looked and it was her indeed! Now I am freaking out! God I don’t know what you are saying, but I am listening. I am typing fast as I can to share this story! No one can tell me God does not exist and that angels are not present with us all the time! I’ve been embarrassed sharing personal details about me and my story but God keeps weighing on me to share.

Sometimes in the very dark places we have a hard time seeing the light but it’s always there. If you cannot see the light sometimes you have to TURN THE LIGHT ON and BE THE LIGHT! You can bring joy by illuminating someone else’s life! The man I saw yesterday, I hope I made him feel seen and encouraged. I will forever be a noticer of people and things its my gift. I love people and desire to know them and their stories.

My ability to see came from the place of constantly being unseen and ignored. I have a different level of empathy due to the trauma and suffering I have endured throughout my life. Talk about beauty for ashes! Jesus shared this same ability. He saw the hurting, broken, and isolated. He healed them, loved them, and never turned them away. He sought them out! Thank you Lord for being “El Roi, “The God who sees.”

Thank you to Elisabeth, for her works that are still speaking far beyond her death! She died in 2004, at the age of 78.

Happy Reading & God Bless!

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