Sisters of Grace

Today was a hard day, but I knew that I had to keep going no matter what. There have been many moments in my life that I wanted to give up, I thought that I wasn’t strong enough to handle my burdens. That’s the exact reason why I continue to get up and move forward. The steps may be small, shaky, staggering, unsure, afraid, BUT they are steps!

The beauty surrounding me could not extinguish the grief inside of me. There are some things that are just so hard to even express, the weight is heavy. So much that I want to say, but I am waiting for a better time to share my story. I’m not sure that the words will come out right. I know that I cannot hide from this forever. I know there is someone that maybe I can help. But part of me likes my privacy. As a survivor of great abuse, I struggle to open up about it.

I don’t want anyone’s pity, and I definitely do not want to monetize on my pain. It’s not for someone’s enjoyment. If I share it, I want it to be a beacon of hope, and a place of comfort. I have no desire to let the world make me out to be a spectacle. My greatest achievement will not be surviving but winning! I refuse to let abusers get glory from my pain. Life has not played fair with me. I must be one of God’s soldiers, because the moment I got here it was chaos.

The frozen ice, and snow capped hills were so full of mystery and beauty. How did I get to this point I ask myself? When did I think that I could out run my ghosts? I have tried to believe me. The light and darkness always at war. I just want to heal and grow. I have put in so many hours of reflection, meditation, journaling, breathing, exercising, praying, running, hiding, etc. Whatever it was I tried it to make the pain stop. I tried to heal what was broken. God, can you hear me? Is this thing on?

That’s the problem with grief, it just keeps coming back! One minute you think that you have your footing, and then it’s a song, a smell, a tone. Right back at the beginning, tell me that I have made it farther than this, it’s been so many years! Please tell me that all the work I put in is not in vain! I cannot be defeated by and this will not be how my story ends! It will end in victory!

Last man standing, alone or in a crowd. I do not care, I have earned the best version, and best life for me! I paid in my blood, sweat and tears. My savior is Jesus, but I am my hero too! I fought for this and I will continue to fight! I am a veteran of war. The casualties that lay at my feet, a most deserving fate. Don’t let them triumph over me. I feel like King David, he couldn’t understand his pain either.

The sun peeked over the hills, and I felt the tears well in my eyes. I wanted to weep, but never show weakness in front of an enemy. So I blinked them away. I learned that through the years. Your true opponents like to see you hurt, it feeds their ego. They will not prosper. A wise man once said, “Home is anywhere that you know all of your friends and all your enemies.” -Orson Scott Card

Another once said, “Sometimes it’s best to let your opponent think he has control.” -Jayne Ann Krentz

Ultimately the story that unfolds throughout our life, has many twists and turns. I expect that many of them, come at a shock. Things change, people change, everything changes! We really must learn not to fear it, change because it’s useful! Change, makes you bold and fierce. When we are willing to look hell in the eyes and say, “Bring it on!” I do not fear the darkness, hell I’ve been face to face with it!

The red little seeds on these branches, drew me in with the beautiful contrast. The frozen, cold, and snowy woods and on these bare branches the berries in bloom. The stages of trees and vegetation are truly amazing, maybe I too am in a stage of healing. The kind that everything looks, bare and cold, and desolate. The red backdrop on the white snow, like my sins on the cross. I have been acquitted, therefore I must walk free. Pick me back up oh Lord. I need to believe again. I want to believe that what you are doing is worth the pain.

Redemption for the weary soul, the sun felt so good. Although I couldn’t feel the cold, my body was warm with contempt. This vicious anger that I possess scares me. I seek justice, is that wrong? I feel like Jonah, I want to see them get what they deserve! Maybe someone has the same wish for me, hope not. Truly peace is better than war and strife! And yet life if full of it, one conflict to another. The fight with oneself the hardest.

There ferocious desire to prove the world wrong, has always been deep within me. For a shy, woman what a fiery well lies inside. Passion runs throughout my veins. A quiet strength, and a fight to win. Thank you God for giving me passion, and not allowing me to live dead inside! I don’t regret the emotions that drive me, it’s the person that I truly am. I despise the veils that I have to wear. However, not everyone can handle the depth of your flame.

Today, the weather was almost pleasant as the bitter cold, has been hard for me. The sun was inviting and warm. Consume me oh light, and lead me to what is right. Afraid I march forward. In the snow tracks, I forged a path. I decided to walk, even if I had to go alone. Nothing is promised. If you are ready to start, do it today. No matter what they think, and don’t worry you are worth it. Walk. Run. Crawl. Do it Afraid.

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All photos are mine.