Sisters of Grace

I am not a reread a book kind of person, the only books that I have done this with are children’s book with my children! I just don’t feel the need, to me it’s not like a movie but maybe I should try it more. Anyway the main things that I reread a lot are my journals. Being a deeply reflective, nostalgic person I really love reconnecting with different versions of myself. It’s like I have always been the same, yet I am always evolving!

When you are documenting your life, the greatest teacher is hindsight. I truly believe that life is full of repeated patterns and lessons. We tend to be creatures of habit, when we look back it can be useful to identify those thought patterns and behaviors. The growth I see throughout the years can be small, but consistent and it helps me to see that all my years of reflection are indeed working. Some things can be hard to see when we are in the thick of it, taking a look at a later time helps to gain perspective.

“The journey into self-love and self-acceptance must begin with self-examination…until you take the journey of self-reflection, it is impossible to grow or learn in life.”

-Iyanla Vanzant

This morning, I awakened from a dream of an old love from my younger days. This relationship did not last long it was wildly passionate and moving far too quickly for such young people! He broke my heart when he wanted space from me, I was happy but he felt like most guys, he needed to accomplish more, experience more before we became too serious. In the dream he walked back into my life and I am like uh-uh NOPE! I won’t go back into those feelings! Do you know how bad that hurt me? I woke up feeling lots of things, feelings of hope, restoration, and peace. Was it possible that I was still mourning this lost love?

When I press my pen to paper the thoughts, feelings, and all of it come spilling out onto the pages! This is why I love to reread them because they are brimming with authenticity. My truest intentions, emotions and uniqueness are there in raw form. As much as I enjoy blogging, it’s not quite the same, I am much more censored and filtered in this realm, than I am in between those pages. They are mine and I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks when I am scribbling in them!

After that dream, I immediately started taking notes of the themes of the dream and how it made me feel. In order to grow and process the things we live through its a good thing to ask yourself questions. Why did my old flame visit me? I am married, I have children, I am not interested in that relationship any longer. The ideal presents itself as the need to reflect, let go, and make peace with painful events. There was so much I needed to learn, and I have become way better on the journey I am on currently.

This photo was taken as I was getting ready and I sat up on the bathroom counter and snapped the shot, it was really good. I look at the woman there and I hardly recognize her, I have changed physically, mentally and spiritually. I know her and I miss her all the same, she is me and I am her. The growth that has taken place, came with a cost. It was painful, I lost people along the way, and at times I thought I had lost myself. As I sat perched up there on the countertop, I wonder if she could see a glimpse of who she would become? Some have questioned if we truly even look the way that we perceive ourselves to look?

“It’s not about how many years you live, but how many you learn.”

The past will continue to be a tool to learn from but it can also be a cage in which we become trapped in the memories of failure and regret. I aspire to take those words I wrote as a map to the future that awaits me. I love to read my story and get to know me better and come to terms with my journey. It was hard but I must learn to embrace it all and take the good and the bad. Nothing is wasted, and it is never too late to repurpose your experiences.

The hand of God has mightily carried me, and I look forward to seeing the woman I am becoming. I believe I met her in my dreams one night. As I slept I dreamed that I was looking into the mirror and getting dressed suddenly I saw movement out of the corner of my eyes and saw MYSELF! I literally saw another version of me, we looked the same, the only difference was that she was so happy! I immediately followed her, and had to see for myself, I sort of thought she would disappear when I got face to face. However, she was just as real as me, but she seemed somehow wiser, more confident, happy, just peaceful contentment.

Then as if she sensed my disbelief, fear, and confusion she just smiles and grabs me in for a hug. The hug was warm, and it was a real hug, I could feel it. She simply said that “Everything is going to be okay.” This reassurance was what I needed in such a hard time in my life, who can know you better than oneself?

Thanks for stopping by, Happy Reading!

Photos are mine. ShilohRose77©️