Sisters of Grace

ShilohRose77©️

“ Where the is anger, there is always pain underneath” -Eckhart Toole

If I had to label a weakness of mine it is unbridled passion, that often leads to anger. I am truly just a passionate, enthusiastic, and highly sensitive person. My anger once unleashed is often very hard to control, and I think “Who is that?” I don’t know that woman! I truly have to get away to gather myself because I cannot let it control me! Have I failed at controlling it? Yes!

Anger is a secondary emotion it’s usually another emotion such as hurt, grief, sadness that are triggering anger. I have been angry for as long as I can remember. I was a child that grew up in some tough situations for someone so young. I couldn’t even express these emotions and they often became buried. I was seeing a lot of violence at home, and I would go to school and hit other kids if I felt provoked. By looking at me, no one would know what laid beneath my calm surface.

I quickly learned to start hiding my anger because I did not want to get in trouble. My true nature was not a violent one, I would internalize more and more. It made it hard to say no to people, and I often would have stomach aches as a teen. I think that was anxiety but I didn’t know what was causing it. I made it through middle and high school, yet there were a few times I was in trouble and got into fights but thank God nothing too serious. I also picked up smoking weed, because it helped me feel calmer.

I look back at this young woman who really needed to unpack some of those feelings but wasn’t sure who to confide in. When I was nine I met a girl at church, that loved to write stories and she sparked a creativity in me that I didn’t know I had! I started writing stories and journaling and it really helped me to put my thoughts onto paper. I always love to read anyway. However, my home life never got better and I think some things we just have to grow through. I couldn’t be the writer that I am without all these years of pouring out my feelings.

There are some days that I cannot sleep because all of the words that are forming in my heart and mind. These moments of inspiration are hard to harness because they come and are often gone just as quick. If I do not happen to express myself through my emotions, then I will usually have very expressive dreams. Creative energy is a beautiful gift to me, it’s my beauty for ashes. When your voice has been silenced in frustration, writing soothes the soul.

The vulnerability I feel even sharing this made me want to stop writing it, I turned on loud and angry music as a distraction. I still felt the urge to run from these feelings, it’s easy to hide in my room and let my thoughts linger on the pages. However, being open and sharing these things were harder than I expected. I guess that shows there is still room to grow in this area of emotions, that often lead me to anger.

“My negative core belief that I am not important to anyone needs healing.” -Dwight Ratana

Trauma comes in many forms, for me it was the things I saw, experienced, and was never able to let go of that kept me bound. Sometimes I can feel it strangling me in the night, the fitful unrest of a heart and mind torn. My heart wants to forgive and move forward but my mind wont let me forget! I am not sure what else to say so I will share a poem, I wrote in prayer late last night. These things are incredibly hard to share at times.

Vexation

ShilohRose77©️

This anger I’ve known it so long

I tried to explain it but my words fell amongst dumb ears

How can they hear the depths of my soul?

Only Jesus himself has survived the tale

A pain buried beneath a smile

Utter confusion at the blackness around my heart

Who is this woman?

I know her not

That cannot be me, weak and sad

I must get even, for I am mad!

Like a small child, I yell

Won’t someone listen?

This Jesus, says he knows me and loves me the same

He’s heard my story in the silence

I screamed it too

I wrote it down and burned it

I prayed it aloud

The dreams haunt my nights

How do I escape her wrath?

I tried to save her

Let’s make amends now

Forgive me dearest

I’m sorry you hurt

We can do this, you must forgive

Let the past fall at our sides

They can’t take what we have been given

A new thing has sprung forth

This love we cannot explain

Gave us hope, and changed our name

Jesus, friend of sinners

A friend of the lowly

He’s not like them, me, or you!

The way to a new place, not a location but a state of mind

Peace for your heart

Here we are safe

Lay down what plagues you

This anger let it be replaced

Cast it away, take hold of amazing grace!

You ached for every time your heart broke,

and on your words you choked

Bitter was the taste of regret upon your lips

Rage became the voice in the night

I never gave up, I stood up in the fight

Why you and chose me, I still can’t get

Upon tear stained cheeks

He kissed a promise of new life

Finally a place to call home,

you are my shelter, my shield and buckler

My Holy defender, mighty and true

Here take my heart, what is left at least

You take the anger and restore my peace.

Thank you for reading, and I hope that you leave inspired and have a great day!