Sisters of Grace

The Christmas lights are going up all around my city, the shopping, planning and gathering are happening. Tis’ the season? I know for many, this time of year can bring mixed feelings. There is always so much to do, that it can be overwhelming. Often our time is divided between families, work, friends, and it leaves little time for rest or alone time. We love being together but sometimes we all need a moment to breathe. Have you ever felt the holiday blues?

Another source of holiday sadness may be the feelings of grief, and how holidays are much different after we loose someone. I know for my family, there will be a huge hole in our hearts as my cousin Jasmine passed away a few months ago. She so loved Thanksgiving because she loved to eat and cook! I saw on social media her mom has already started baking her desserts for the big day. I can imagine the mixed emotion of trying to be strong and still be the patriarch of the family and wanting to break down with sadness. Holidays and the traditions we all carry are often changed greatly by the loss of someone. Grief is heavy, and it comes in waves. How can the Holidays we love so much bring pain?

Then for families that are scarred by divorce, separation, unresolved conflict, miscarriage, foster care, homelessness, drug abuse, etc. The traditions can feel pointless at times, and sort of empty. We so want to control every aspect of our lives and then there is something that shakes us to our core. We celebrate differently and try and make the best of hard situations. I know for me, my parents separated when I was around 9 years old, and even before the holidays were awkward for me. My mom had a falling out with my dad’s family and she wasn’t welcome to family holidays anymore, and my dad would continue his traditions with his family without her. I always felt sad leaving my mom home alone on holidays. So many holiday memories filled with regret. I wasn’t old enough to process these things until now. Why do we hold so tightly to traditions?

As I have aged, I realize that every year, I feel a bit of sadness. I used to think it was about money, or overstimulation. However, those are just a small percentage of the blues for me. I finally realized these emotions were there all along, holidays without my mom, and now she doesn’t even celebrate any holidays. She used to try so hard to make things perfect for my sister and I but I believe she just lost hope. Now that I have my own children, I realize that it’s so important to remember that they are watching everything. That tight knit families are necessary, we must remember all that we can accomplish through love and unity.

Some of us may need to forgive past hurts and wrongs so that there can be unity among the family. Forgiving someone that does not deserve it can be hard but living in isolation, resentment or rejection are not worth the energy. Trust me I am still working on this part of the healing the holiday blues! I am not here to judge, just share a few things that I have learned and experienced. Forgive them, release yourself. Love without regret.

Nowadays when I think about my mom, spending these holidays alone, I feel sorry for her but I also understand. I try and remove the blame and realize that pain changes people. The boundaries that some people build around themselves can be high, but we can be patient and accept their wishes. I know in many families there is a great pull between the in-laws and the immediate family, both wanting time with their loved ones. However, we often find ourselves splitting up the days, weeks, or even hours to share in the traditions with both sides.

I can be the first to admit how exhausting that can be! Many people are learning to set boundaries with pushy family members that don’t understand the struggle of sharing holidays. I too have had to do that as well, starting this year! I told my husband’s family that we cannot do three Christmas’s on Christmas Day anymore, it’s just too much. I would feel worn down and out of the Christmas spirit by the time I would make it home. The rushing, the barely being able to have a conversation, the keeping up with all the gifts and trying to figure out who they were even from was just chaos. It made me feel like I was just on autopilot, I never could even play with my children and their gifts because of all the busyness.

The beauty of the holidays are supposed to be a relaxing time of rest, reflection, and focused time with family. We must learn to bring back slow rhythms that just flow and are not forced. I believe that we all are searching for genuine interactions, and to truly be seen and heard. It’s really hard when life is moving faster than we can keep up, with too busy schedules. Breathe, friend you have purpose and you matter. Your mental health is important and be damned who does not honor that! Take the time to love yourself this year too. How can you slow down this season, and cherish all your memories?

Let’s not forget this season can be full of beauty, magic, and so many wonderful things. We can learn to use our life lessons to inspire and uplift. The blessing of this writing community, it gives us a place to share our thoughts, emotions, and interact with others. I am thankful that this community has given me a voice, a place to feel like I can offer something to the world.

If you are experiencing any holiday sadness, I hope that you can find the grace, love, hope, forgiveness, unity and love that you need to get through it. Whether you will be alone, with a huge family, a small intimate gathering, or with strangers or friends; I pray it will be full of joy. May you find joy in the little things, another year coming to a close and you made it this far! You matter, you are loved, and you deserve to smile. Remember it’s okay to set boundaries, choose not to celebrate, go big or lay low; do what’s best for you and yours! God loves you! Happy Holidays!

“And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.” Colossians 3:15