Freedom for me, has always been to be free from worrying about my family. As a child, I always felt like I was responsible to care for and protect my family. My father would beat my mother and lock her in a closet and leave the house. He would not take me with him, and he would also take the house phone with him, so we could not call the police. When I was eight, they finally were separated, and my mom tried to move on. I thought things would get better after they were no longer together, but it did not. My mother was struggling mentally, and she began beating me. I had a younger sister now and another person I felt responsible for.
As the years went on there was so much abuse, fighting, and drama that I was quickly learning to suppress my feelings. I began smoking weed, running from God and trying to stay away from home as much as possible. My life was a constant rollercoaster of ups and downs and I got used to the ride. I would take on things that weren’t my problem, cook meals, grocery shop, take care of my younger sister and try and keep my mother happy. The fights between my parents continued even from separate households. My father was trying to do better but he too was still a mess. A few years later my father had another child, my brother with another woman and although I was excited, I felt bad for the life he would be born into.
As time does, it goes on and now I am a wife, mother and have my own life. I grew up in many ways and renewed my relationship with God. I stopped being as angry with him for my sense of abandonment by him. I realized that he has been there all along, although I don’t understand the things that have happened to me; there is hope. My brother and sister both have a great deal of issues, my brother dropped out of high school, started smoking weed and still lives at home with my father. My sister got on drugs, moved away and stopped speaking to me. My relationship with my family is still very hard, my father and I see each other often, but we still try and hide the pain of it all. That pain comes out in many forms, and that is why I write so much; a way to release. I don’t see my mother or sister very often anymore; it is a place of great grief for me.
In spite of my tumultuous upbringing, I have accomplished some great things and have wonderful children. However, I often see the blackness of my past, and experiences rearing its ugly head, into my life and current relationships. I still have a way to go in my journey to peace and healing.
Freedom for me has been trying to live apart from my family’s toxicity and make a life for myself and my children. That part I am still working on because it’s so hard. I know family bonds run deep, and I have carried these burdens for so long. I keep trying to put them down, to stop trying to take on their problems. I often have to retreat away to myself and avoid interaction. I love them all so much and I pray often, that we all find peace. We all have so many wounds that need healing. One thing these experiences have taught me, is that we all have a story; thank you for reading part of mine.
Sisters of Grace 
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